Happy Tree Friends, the New Series: Season 1
by AwkwardVulpix
Summary: Season one of my brand spanking new HTF Series! Death, comedy, romance, satire...I have it all! Rated M for large amounts of gore and some language. Done after 13 episodes.
1. Episode One: Wakeup Call

Happy Tree Friends, Season One, Episode One

Wakeup Call

Starring:

Rufus

Lifty

Shifty

Featuring:

Sniffles

Taily

Disco Bear

Greetings, fellow readers! If you are reading this, congratulations! You are reading the very first episode of the very first season of this brand new, totally original Happy Tree Friends series! On with the show!

()()()

Several weeks ago, a strange girl appeared in the middle of the forest. Oh, wait, I already told that story. The story I'm supposed to be telling involves another person living in the Happy Tree Town. His name is Rufus. This is the story of the day when he found that thieves looted his house, and he vowed his VENGEANCE upon them…

Yeah, I'm going to stop talking like that now. It just makes me sound like a jackass. Well, more of a jackass, anyway.

()()()

Late one night, after a day filled with junk food and cheesy action movies, Rufus was just getting ready to go to bed. "Whew! What a day." He picked up his alarm clock, which was a skull with a digital display on the top of it, and tried to set it for eight o' clock. The thing is, he was so buzzed on soda and junk food he actually set it for twelve o' clock. He climbed into the bed, and immediately crashed quite violently, due to a little thing I like to call "Drinking an entire pack of Monster". He fell into a deep slumber, but a mysterious vehicle pulled up outside the house…

()()()

The mysterious vehicle was, in fact, a van that was painted black. Inside the van were two green raccoons, one wearing a fedora. They were, obviously, Lifty and Shifty, the most infamous thieves in all of Happy Tree Town.

"So, Shifty, what do we got in this joint?" Spoke the one that wasn't wearing the hat.

"I heard this place has all sorts of top-flight goods. We're talking widescreen TV's, computers, who knows what else. We rob this stash, and we're set for life!"

"Sweet! Let's hurry."

Both of them scrambled out of the van and ran into the house. When they entered the house, they immediately stopped in their tracks, looking around at the large amount of valuables scattered about the house.

"I'll get the china!" Whispered Shifty.

"I'll get the silverware!" Responded Lifty. They ran off to do their evil deeds, while Rufus was still suffering from one of the most powerful sugar crashes in the century. When they finished loading the van with countless valuables, Shifty hopped in the car and drove them both away.

()()()

_Many, many hours later_

Groggily, Rufus awoke from his nigh eternal slumber. Which was rather odd, since his skull alarm clock didn't seem to be on his table. Come to think of it, the table didn't seem to be there. Slowly, he came to realize that his entire house had been looted, and the only thing that was in his house was the bed he was sleeping on. They had even stolen all that bling he hid in the basement after it went out of style. Was that stuff ever really _in _style? Anyway, after getting over the initial shock that some douchebag stole his loot, he heard an engine starting, and ran to the window. Obviously, it was Lifty and Shifty's van, driving off with his stuff. He screamed in rage, and ran to the garage, formulating a rather bad plan. He would simply incur a vehicle chase and get his stuff back. Except the bling, they could keep that gaudy shit for all he cared. When he went into the garage, he immediately saw his car, which was badly banged up from his last adventure. The driver side door was basically nonexistent after a last-ditch attempt to save his ass from violent death, and the events leading up to that ended up removing most, if not all, of the paint. He immediately discarded that idea, since driving that thing would make him look like an idiot. He glanced to his left, and immediately saw his prized possession: a vintage 1970 Harlequin-David motorcycle in perfect driving condition. "Oh, hell yeah." He pressed the button to open the garage door, and promptly hopped on his motorcycle.

While he was revving up the engine, he put on his sunglasses, and quipped, "Rock and roll, baby." He immediately drove out, not bothering to put on a helmet because he was one of those crackheads that thinks that helmets are for sissies. Unfortunately, on the way out, he hit Sniffles, who was just walking by, and tore off his arm. Rufus didn't notice, and continued driving on his grand quest. Due to his violent injury, Sniffles began screaming incoherently and running madly about. In short time, he somehow ended up in the garage, accidentally striking the button that would close the garage door. The door began lowering, and Sniffles finally passed out, falling right into the path of the closing door. Quite soon, the door sliced his head clean off. It rolled into the street, and was crushed under the wheel of a passing car.

Not much later, Rufus had managed to catch up to the van containing all of his stuff. He gradually sped up, trying to maintain a low cover. Unfortunately, Lifty glanced in his sideview mirror and saw him chasing after the van. He tapped his brother on the shoulder and said, "Hey, we got someone following us!"

"Well, do something!"

"Uh…" He looked around the dashboard, trying to figure out a clever adventure game way to take out the guy chasing them on the motorcycle.

First, Lifty picked up a switchblade he kept in the glove compartment, for emergencies such as this. Next, he picked up a large rubber band, and stretched it out on his finger. He placed the knife into the stretched-out rubber band, creating a makeshift crossbow.

Lifty took careful aim at the front tire of the motorcycle, trying to disable Rufus's ability to drive after them. However, the van hit a bump in the road, screwing up his aim. Rather than hitting the front tire, he instead shot Rufus in the left eye. When Lifty saw what he had done, he immediately got back into his seat.

"Did you get him?" Shifty asked.

"Uh…yeah, sure."

"What do you mean, 'yeah, sure'?"

Rufus screamed in horrible pain, now out one eye. He pulled the knife out, taking the eye along with it, and threw it away. Now, he had absolutely no depth perception, and the hideous pain in his eye socket was distracting him from the road. Disco Bear was dancing by on the sidewalk, listening to those funky beats, yo. Thankfully for the sanity of every living thing reading this, the knife that Rufus threw away came along and put a stop to that atrocious act against God. In an act of desperation, Disco Bear attempted to pull the knife out, but that just succeeded in widening his already gaping wound. Feeling woozy, he fell to the ground, and slowly bled to death.

After that little fiasco, Lifty and Shifty managed to shake Rufus off in a back alley. Since he was losing his ability to think straight due to blood loss, he wasn't able to find them and just continued driving.

"We sure got that dumbass, didn't we?" Asked Shifty.

"Yeah. Who knew it would be that easy to shake him off?" They high-fived and began that laugh they always do. However, since they had their eyes closed, they didn't notice Taily, who was walking by at the end of the alleyway. She was listening to music, so she couldn't tell that the van was coming for her. Lifty and Shifty stopped sniggering, and when they noticed Taily, they screamed. This caught her attention, and she began screaming as well. The van hit her, splitting her in half at the waist, and her body hit the windshield, splattering blood all over it.

Shifty braked as hard as she could, stopping the van. Taily's remains flew off into the distance and Lifty and Shifty stopped screaming. After getting over the initial shock, they realized that it would be impossible to clean off all of this blood properly.

"We'll never get this off!" Said Shifty.

"Forget about it! Keep driving!" Responded Lifty.

Shifty moved his head to a small part of the windshield that wasn't obscured, and tried to drive in this manner. As you can imagine, it was very awkward. However, in their distraction, the failed to notice that Rufus was coming up behind them. They drove off, and Rufus continued tailing them.

Eventually, Lifty and Shifty found their way to a convenient drawbridge.

"Hey, there's a ship coming." Noted Shifty.

"Well, drive over. We can shake him off here."

Shifty gunned the engine and sped over the bridge. Just after they crossed, the boat came up to the bridge, while Rufus was heading towards it. The operator activated the lifts, and both of the halves slowly raised so the boat could safely pass through. Rufus, not being able to think straight anymore, and lacking depth perception, thought he could jump over the bridge and safely make it to the other side. He got the gearshift as high as it would go, and gunned towards the bridge. The motorcycle drove up the ramp, flew off of the other side, and… didn't make it. Rufus's body was smashed against the edge of the bridge, and his motorcycle landed on the opposite shore, completely unharmed.

"We did it!" Shifty exclaimed triumphantly.

They both started laughing, but unbeknownst to them, parts of Taily's guts were still attached to the windshield, and the sudden burst of speed dislodged it. They wrapped around the axle of the wheel, and while they were laughing, it stopped the wheels from turning completely. Shifty lost control of the van, and crashed into a tree at the edge of the forest, forcing them out of the van. Shifty got impaled on the branch of another tree, while Lifty was crushed into an accordion shape. Another item flew from the van as well: the skull clock from earlier. After it landed, it began ringing, and the iris closed on it.

Moral:

Time Flies When You're Having Fun!

()()()

Well, the first remake is out of the way. Now I just need to do Now Museum, Now You Don't, and I can continue with all new, creative deaths. I'm AwkwardVulpix, and I support Flaky/Latias.


	2. Episode Two: Now Museum, Now You Don't

Happy Tree Friends, Season One, Episode Two

Now Museum, Now You Don't

Starring:

Britty

Featuring:

Rufus

Cuddles

Flaky

Petunia

Disco Bear

Another remake? Huzzah! But before we begin, I'll give you Britty's official bio. (You've already seen Rufus, I assume.) Oh, and if you go to my profile, please vote in the poll. There really isn't an excuse not to. Just to be courteous, I'll extend the cancellation to the twentieth of August.

Name: Britty

Species: Stoat (It's the only stereotypically British animal I could think of. Yes, I'm retconning him from a mink. Sue me.)

Color: Light gray, with dark gray/black parts over the eyes and chest.

Clothing: Black vest, gold monocle, and top hat.

Personality: Always thinks he's superior to all the other rabble, and thinks that anything you can do, he can do better. He's also obsessed with perfection, and will do anything to get something to look "proper."

()()()

In the past few weeks, the Happy Tree Museum had been undergoing renovation. You see, after a botched expedition in South America by Sniffles…wait. I just introduced a plot hole, didn't I? In my other story, I had Rufus and Sniffles attempt an escape from the town. But I made it sound like any escape was impossible. Not so. If you do it right, you can leave the town and go elsewhere. However, you typically die very soon, and end right back up in the hospital. Now that I've cleared up that plot hole, let's continue. Sniffles stole a sacred artifact from the temple, and managed to survive all the way back to the town. However, a cursed crack (I could have phrased that better) followed him to the town and desecrated the museum. After recovery of the artifacts (Conveniently, destroyed objects end up in the hospital, somehow) Sniffles was removed from the curator position, renovation went underway, and a more appropriate curator was chosen: Britty. Today was the day that the museum would reopen, and several people were milling outside, interested to see what the "new exhibits" would be. The new curator opened the door, walked outside with the aid of his cane, and began speaking in an extremely thick British accent. "Hello, fellow townsfolk! Today is a very important day for this fair city, as we are reopening the museum after significant renovation. So, please enjoy, and don't touch anything." He cut the ribbon that obviously had to be at the ceremony, and everybody quickly rushed inside. Britty sighed, and walked back in.

()()()

After the group dispersed into different parts of the museum, Britty decided to simply look at one exhibit in particular: an ancient sword, supposedly belonging to Sir Lancelot himself. It was held to the wall by nails that were coated with a substance that would prevent the sword from being damaged. He admired its beauty, but then noticed that one of the nails wasn't pushed in all the way. "That won't do," he thought, and went to look for a hammer.

()()()

Meanwhile, Cuddles and Rufus had gone to an African-themed diorama. Cuddles seemed extremely bored, but Rufus was interested. He suddenly got an idea, and climbed into the exhibit. "Hey, Cuddles, check this out!" Cuddles looked up, and laughed. Rufus had his arm around one of the mannequins, and was flashing the peace sign with the other. Slowly, Cuddles stopped laughing and asked, "Should you really be doing that?"

"Who cares? Is anybody stopping me? No."

"Well, Britty said not to touch anything…"

"So what? Who are you going to listen to: me, the coolest guy around, or that old fart?"

Cuddles paused for a moment, thinking. "You're right. Come on, I have an idea."

"What?" Asked Rufus.

"Easy: We hide in the bushes, and when someone else comes by, we jump out and scare them!"

"Sweet!" Both of them jumped into a bush, and waited.

()()()

In the meantime, Britty had managed to find a hammer, and was heading back to the sword. On the way, though, he noticed that a power cord was unplugged. "You should never leave a plug unplugged," he thought aloud, and began searching for an outlet. What he didn't realize was that the source of the plug was a light-up display of the planets, and as such was fixed in place. He found the cord wasn't long enough, and groaned. He pulled even tighter, increasing the tension even more. Just then, Sniffles passed by, engrossed in a pamphlet. Britty gave one last, mighty pull, and part of the supporting wall was ripped away at high speed, throwing him backwards into a pillar and stunning him. Sniffles was so interested in what he was reading, he failed to notice the flying chunk of wood, and was stabbed in the head. He stumbled backwards a bit, a large chunk of wood stuck in his brain, and promptly died of the injury. By now, Britty couldn't see him from his current vantage point. Britty slowly got to his feet, groaning.

"Ow…huh?" He noticed that the table had been broken, and sighed. "Oh, bloody Hell." He traced the cord to its source, finding Sniffles' corpse. He paused, and then simply left.

()()()

Disco Bear, on the other hand, was failing at an entirely different endeavor. He was attempting to hit on Petunia, right outside of the African exhibit.

"Come on, one kiss!" he begged.

"For the last time, no!" Responded Petunia. She walked away, intending to do other, more important things.

"Aw, man." He sulked off into the exhibit, looking down at his feet. "Huh?" he asked himself. He thought he heard a rustling in the bushes, and looked closer. That's when Rufus and Cuddles jumped out, screaming. Disco Bear stumbled backwards, and they started laughing. What they didn't notice was that Disco Bear was clutching his chest. Due to the sudden shock, his already weak, fifty-year-old heart was having palpitations, and he fell over, dead of a violent heart attack. Cuddles stopped laughing (But Rufus didn't) and noticed the corpse.

"AAHH!"

Rufus stopped laughing as well, and saw the corpse. He panicked, and both of them started arguing.

"What do we do?" Yelled Rufus.

"I don't know! Hide the body?"

They agreed upon this, and picked up the corpse. Just as they started putting the body in the shrub, Flaky walked in. Rufus and Cuddles stared at her, as she was staring back.

"Uh…this isn't what it looks like," Rufus said, "I swear!"  
Flaky didn't believe them, and ran off screaming.

"Shit!" Rufus yelled. "Let's get out of here!"

()()()

Britty was still continuing on his epic quest to hammer in a nail, and almost got there, when he noticed a spear had a smudge on it. This time, though, he was prepared, and pulled out a rag he carried with him all the time. He began wiping off the tribal weapon, but he heard Flaky screaming, and turned to see her running towards him. As he turned, he accidentally pulled out a nail that was supporting the spear, but not all the way out.

"Calm down, madam! Whatever is the matter?"

She slowed down, and started panting. Between breaths, she spoke. "Rufus… Cuddles… Murder… Disco Bear…"

"Murder! In my museum?"

"…Oh my god… I can't believe they'd do something like that…not them."

"My lord, this is a travesty of the highest order! Where did this occur?"

"The African exhibit."

"Then I will look into it personally! You stay here and just calm down."

"Okay." Britty left, pursuing his personal investigation.

Flaky sighed. She knew that the sentence for murder wasn't that major, considering that they came back to life, but still. Rufus and Cuddles? How could they intentionally kill someone in cold blood? She slumped underneath the spear, and closed her eyes to think. She didn't have long to think, though, because the nail fell out completely under the spear's weight, sending it towards Flaky's head. She didn't even open her eyes before it slashed into her brain, killing her instantly.

()()()

By the time Britty got to the exhibit in question, Cuddles and Rufus were long gone.

"Drat!" Britty threw his hat to the ground in anger. "They've eluded my grasp." Then, his face lit up as he got an idea. He picked up his hat and put it back on. "The security cameras!" Conveniently, the door that led into the security room was located in the exhibit, behind some foliage.

He walked through the tropical plants, pushing aside various odd looking things he couldn't place the nature of, and reached the door. He punched in the code, 1861815, and entered. In front of him were several different TV monitors, displaying every room in the museum, in real time. He started searching through them, and finally spotted the location of Cuddles and Rufus: A room displaying medieval weapons. "Gotcha." He whispered to himself, before turning on the intercom. He cleared his throat, and began saying into the microphone, "Attention, all patrons of our fine museum. Do not panic, but there are two murderers in the medieval weapon room. Please remain calm and security will deal with them shortly." Of course, everybody in the museum went into a blind panic, running about and bumping into each other. Petunia jumped out a second-story window, aiming for a bush, but she missed and landed headfirst, shattering her skull and neck to pieces. In the security room, Britty sighed, turning off the intercom. "Senseless fools. I told them security would take care of it!"

()()()

"Oh shit, oh shit." Rufus said. Security was heading for them, and if they didn't think of something fast, they would end up in prison. Everybody knew that the prison deaths were always the worst.

"Think of something already!" Shouted Cuddles.

"I am, I am!" Replied Rufus. He was pacing around the room now. Then, he got an idea. If he could pull off the crossbow being displayed at the center of the room, he could hold off some of the guards and escape. He grabbed the handle, and started pulling. It was attached very well, and he wasn't getting anywhere. Cuddles grabbed the handle and started pulling, but accidentally pulled the trigger of it. It was, in fact, loaded, and the arrow started bouncing around, knocking weapons off of the wall. One of them, a flail, hit Cuddles on the head, causing a massive hemorrhage and killing him. The arrow bounced one last time, heading directly for Rufus's right eye. He attempted to move out of the way, but it just hit him in the left eye instead. He flailed around for a bit, before succumbing to his wounds. When the security guards came in, all they found were two dead bodies and a lot of blood.

()()()

Much later, after everybody calmed down, Britty was finally getting ready to fix the nail. He hit it with the hammer, but it did not go in. He hit it even harder, and it still didn't go in. He grunted, and brought the hammer far above his head. He sent it down to the nail, striking it harder than any nail in Happy Tree Town had ever been struck. The force was so great that he stumbled backwards and fell. When he got to his feet, he saw that the nail had gone in. "Finally!" He cried triumphantly. He went to observe the sword, but didn't notice a crack was forming. He had hit the nail so hard that he actually broke part of the sheet rock behind the wall, sending a crack upwards and to the left. The crack just happened to reach a section of wall with a metal bar, supporting a war ax. Britty was so busy observing the sword that his body was cut in half before he knew what hit him. The iris-out closes on the nail, which falls out of the broken section of wall. Then the screen goes completely black.

Moral:

Leave well enough alone!

()()()

Dear Hankforthewin: The Flaky/Latias thing was solely for comedic value, and was in no way intended to be serious.

Although now that I think about it, it is a cute pairing. Maybe I _do_ support this pairing after all.

-AwkwardVulpix

DJ Shifty: Why, thank you! I'm honored that you're interested in my little story.

-AwkwardVulpix


	3. Episode Three: Who's On First

Happy Tree Friends, Season One, Episode Three

Who's On First?

Starring:

Lammy and Mr. Pickles

Featuring:

Cuddles

Nutty

Toothy

Taily

()()()

Wow, episode three already? I'm on a roll!

()()()

Obviously, baseball is the great American sport, so it should come as no surprise that on a warm summer day, three friends were playing a game of it.

Nutty was pitching, and was also very hyper, having drunk several cans of cola beforehand. He threw the ball, and Cuddles swung the bat. Since Nutty was so hyper, the ball had enough speed when it collided with the bat to send the ball flying way off into the distance.

"Oh, nice one." Said Toothy.

Nutty looked down at his feet, a saddened look on his face.

"I'll get it!" Yelled Cuddles. He broke into a run, heading for the missing baseball.

()()()

About half a minute later, Cuddles saw a lavender sheep, which was wearing a sweater, sitting at a table, having tea.

"What's she doing in the middle of the forest?" He thought. He walked up to the girl, but paused. Did she recognize her? He thought he saw her in a chase with a policeman, but there was no way…

Then, he spoke. "Hi, what's your name?"

His sudden question startled the girl, and she jumped out of her chair slightly. "Oh, sorry about that," she said, "I didn't hear you. My name's Lammy. I'm kind of new around here."

"Oh, well, uh, welcome to the town." Then Cuddles realized he was still holding the bat, and set it down next to him. "Have you been to the hospital yet?"

"Oh, yeah, about tha…" She stopped talking when she thought she saw Mr. Pickles holding the bat over Cuddles' head.

"About what?" He asked.

"Uh…Right…Behind you!" She was gesturing wildly now, trying to get Cuddles to turn around.

"What's behind…" Before he got the chance to finish his sentence properly, Mr. Pickles brought the weapon down upon Cuddles' head, cracking it open like a raw egg. The injury was so enormous, he was dead before he even hit the ground. Lammy screamed in horror, her voice echoing all throughout the forest.

()()()

Since Lammy's scream was so loud, it was only natural that Toothy and Nutty heard it.

"What the hell was that?" Toothy asked.

Nutty didn't answer, since he was now bouncing around like a madman.

"Uh…I'll go check and see if he's okay. Okay?"

Nutty still did not answer.

"Uh, sure. Bye." Toothy then ran off into the middle of the forest.

()()()

In the meantime, Lammy was attempting to take the bloody bat away from Mr. Pickles, and eventually wrenched it out of his hands. However, that was just when Toothy arrived, and when he saw Lammy standing over Cuddles' dead body holding a bloody baseball bat, he immediately jumped to the most logical conclusion: Whoever this girl was, she just murdered Cuddles with a baseball bat. She looked at the bat and realized what Toothy must have been thinking, and tried to convince him it wasn't her.

"No! No! It wasn't me, it was him!" She said, pointing to an inanimate pickle. This freaked Toothy out even more, and he ran away as fast as he could.

Lammy started chasing after him, trying to convince him she wasn't a murderer. "It wasn't me, I swear!" she yelled. Toothy still didn't believe her, and started running even faster. He got tired very quickly, and stopped to catch his breath. Bad idea, Toothy. Mr. Pickles was waiting in the bushes, holding the baseball that they lost. He threw it a short distance in the air, caught it, and threw it at Toothy's head. He fell to the ground, clutching his violently injured skull. He wasn't dead yet, so Mr. Pickles walked over, picked up the ball, and started beating Toothy in the head with it until he stopped moving completely. Lammy caught up to this, but realized she was far too late. In a last-ditch effort to stop his reign of terror, she picked him up, trying to wrench the ball from his grasp.

()()()

Nutty, wondering what happened to Toothy, started searching for him. By now, he had calmed down a bit, but he was still a bit jumpy.

"Toothy?" He yelled. No answer. He yelled it again. Still none. He was getting worried now, and yelled it even louder than before. Still none. He was about to yell it again, when Lammy jumped through a bush, right next to him. From his point of view, she was apparently holding a pickle and trying to pull a rather bloody baseball away from it, and failing. Eventually, she managed to get it out of Mr. Pickles' grasp. Before she could truly relax, however, Mr. Pickles took a switchblade from under his hat, and threw it at Nutty's face, stabbing him right in the forehead. He screamed, not dead yet, and began running around. Since he couldn't tell where he was going, he very quickly ran into a tree, driving the knife in further. This killed him, and he fell to the ground. Lammy screamed, dropping Mr. Pickles, and tried to pull the knife out.

()()()

Meanwhile, Taily, who was working as a cop, was sitting in her car, eating a donut. She was very relaxed, but when she heard the screaming, she jumped out of her seat, knocking her head on the roof. She groaned, rubbing her injury, but then realized someone could be committing a crime. She opened the door, jumped out of the car, and started running towards the source of the scream.

What she found was horrible, and at the same time very confusing. A girl she hadn't met yet was trying to pull a knife out of Nutty's corpse, and a pickle was lying right next to it. She was extremely shocked, but she got over it and yelled, "Freeze!" while pulling out a taser gun. Lammy stood up and turned around. When she saw the weapon Taily was holding, she immediately started pointing to the pickle, trying to tell Taily about what she saw.

"Do you think I'm an idiot?" She asked in reply. "Do you really expect me to…" She stopped talking when she looked down, and saw that the pickle had moved. "What the hell?" She asked. You see, when Taily wasn't looking, Mr. Pickles had sneaked behind her, and was now putting his fingers into his mouth. He let out a long, sharp whistle, which set Taily off. She remembered the knife, and walked over to Nutty's corpse. In one quick motion, she wrenched out the knife. She stabbed into her wrist, pushing it all the way out of the other side of her arm. She screamed, but continued with her suicide. Lammy tried to stop her from doing this, but she wasn't strong enough to do it. Taily pushed her away and slashed the knife down her arm, opening a gigantic wound. She began crying, and pushed the knife all the way down to her elbow, a jagged, hideous wound now bleeding profusely. Due to the fact that a very important vein is located in the arm, and she basically cut it all the way open, she quickly lost enough blood to kill her. She continued bleeding anyway, and the pool of blood started moving towards Lammy's feet. She screamed once more, and fainted. The incident would make the news the next day.

Moral:

A Stranger Is Just A Friend You Haven't Met Yet!

()()()

Yeah, I don't think I'll be doing another episode with Lammy. Sorry! Anyway, yeah, this is Taily's first death related to her condition, and I think I pulled it off fairly well. On another note, I'm seriously starting to think that a (PG-rated) story about Flaky and Latias having a relationship is a good idea. Oh, and one more thing. After I finish the last episode of this season, I'll list the deaths and injuries of every character that appeared, and list my ten favorites. I'll do this every season, actually. AwkwardVulpix, over and out.


	4. Episode Four: Je Ne Sais Quarrel

Happy Tree Friends, Season One, Episode Four

Je Ne Sais Quarrel

Starring:

Frenchy

Britty

Featuring:

Toothy

Disco Bear

Cro-Marmot

Flaky

Cuddles

Petunia

Rufus

()()()

Yeah, that's a crappy title. Just read the chapter.

()()()

What happens when you get a Frenchman and a Brit in the same area together? Obviously, tempers will flare, since British/French relations have a history of being rather poor. Get the ultimately stereotypical members of those countries, and you have a recipe for disaster. Since both of those people live in Happy Tree Town, it one day led to difficulty.

We've seen the stereotypical Brit already, but we haven't seen the Frenchman. Well, we have seen the Frenchman, but just barely. For those of you that haven't read "When Worlds Collide", Frenchy is a light gray mouse, who always wears a red and white striped shirt (Think Waldo), and a beret. He also has a very long, thin handlebar moustache. Now that my crappy description of him is out of the way, we can continue with the story.

()()()

Two people that had a history of rivalry and hatred were just about to stumble into each other. Normally, they would try to avoid each other as much as possible. But today, they had no choice. They both received a call from the post office saying they had a very important delivery. Neither of them were particularly looking where they were going, just taking in the scenery, and bumped into each other outside the front door.

They immediately started firing accusations at each other, running off countless insults that involved assumptions of the other person's sexual orientation and family members.

Finally, they ran out of slurs, and simply stared at each other. This got very awkward very quickly, and Frenchy decided to break the silence. "I'll tell you what, Britty. We'll have a contest."

"A contest? Of what sort?"

"It's a simple one, really. Whoever can do the most good deeds by the end of the day wins."

Britty became very interested, thinking that he could easily do more good than this pathetic Frenchman could do. "Very well. What does the winner of this contest get?"

Frenchy smiled. "Simple. The winner must always be regarded as the better person by the loser."

Britty tensed up. These were very high stakes, and there was a fifty-fifty chance he'd have to eternally recognize this Frenchman as his better. Still, if he won, the opposite would be true.

"Very well!" He cried. "In precisely two hours, we will meet in front of this same post office with all the people we have helped. The one with the greater number is the winner!" They shook hands, and ran off to help the people of the town.

()()()

The first issue that needed resolving was discovered by Frenchy. He saw that Toothy was crying, apparently because his kite was stuck in a tree.

"Hey, don't worry!" Said Frenchy. "I'll help you with that."

Toothy stopped crying to the best of his ability, and looked up. "You will?"

"Sure, why not?" He looked up and started trying to assess the situation. The kite was stuck on a branch, and the string was all bunched up in an ugly mass. "Uh…right, then!" Grasping the trunk, he began shimmying up the tree, clambering off at the appropriate branch. When he got to the end, he noticed that, somehow, he had gone too high, and would have to climb down to the correct branch.

"Oh, come on!" He yelled in frustration. Sighing, he gripped a branch and started edging himself down as carefully as possible. "Come on, come on…" He reached for the kite, laughing in triumph, but just as he grabbed it, the branch he was holding onto broke. He fell, breaking the kite in two against another branch. The piece of wood that had the string attached to it fell downwards, landing in Toothy's forehead. He wasn't dead, though, and he began screaming and dashing about like a crazy person. About then, Frenchy landed, temporarily stunning him, but he quickly clambered to his feet and tried to help Toothy out. Thinking as quickly as possible, he grabbed the string. This only succeeded in stopping Toothy and completely turning him around, wrapping the string around his neck. Toothy started running in the opposite direction, trying to pull the string off of his neck.

Unbeknownst to them, Rufus was driving towards them, listening to a CD.

"I'm on the highway to hell!" He sang along, not particularly well. Feeling the music, he started banging his head, taking his attention away from the road, and the fact that Toothy was just running in front of his car.

"Toothy!" Frenchy yelled. "Look out!" Toothy stopped running and opened his eyes, just in time to see Rufus's car hurtling towards him. They collided, splattering blood all over the hood of the car.

"Holy-!" Rufus yelled, shocked at this turn of events. Since Frenchy was still holding onto the string, he was getting rapidly pulled along with the car. He was just barely able to keep up, but felt himself getting tired. Giving up, he let go of the string, and a good thing too, since that was the point when Rufus swerved rapidly to the right colliding with a tree. Despite the force of the collision, Rufus was still alive, although severely bruised and battered. "W-wha? I'm alive!" He started to laugh, but stopped when he noticed a small fire. "Oh no, oh no!" He started breathing on it in a desperate attempt to put it out, but he was unsuccessful, and the fire reached the engine, igniting the gasoline inside. The car promptly exploded in a large fireball, sending Rufus, Toothy's corpse, the car, and the tree up in flames. Frenchy clambered to his feet, and saw the destruction he had caused.

"Oops." He said succinctly.

()()()

While all of this chaos was going on, Britty was searching for somebody that needed help.

"What, nobody?" He asked himself. He was starting to get impatient, and started getting seriously angry. "Come on! Doesn't anybody need help?"

"Hey, Britty?" A voice called out.

"What?" He reeled around, realizing that Flaky was the one that called for him. "What do you need help with?"

"Uh…see…the thing is…I locked myself out of my house."

"Wha…How?"

"It's a long story, don't ask."

"Uh, right then!"

With the pleasantries out of the way, both of them made their way to Flaky's house, which was just like any other: a large tree. The difference was that the front door was locked, and nobody was home.

"Do you keep a key under the doormat?" Britty asked.

"No."

"What? Why not?"

"Well, if someone finds it, they might come in and…hurt me."

"I've heard enough. I've already come up with a potential solution."

"What?"

"Stand back." Britty ordered. He ran to the sidewalk, pushing out his shoulder.

"Britty, what are you…" Before she could do anything, Britty ran for the door, planning on bursting it through. When he hit the door, however, it didn't budge at all, just hurt Britty. He stumbled backwards, and fell to the ground, rubbing his arm.

"Oh my god, are you okay?" Flaky asked.

He moaned.

"No?"

"It seems a very strong door." He got to his feet. "Perhaps if I broke a window?"

"Uh…I think that's kind of…extreme, isn't it?"

"Nonsense! I'll just do this." He started looking for a rock, and picked up a fairly good-sized one.

"Do what?"

"Break the window on the door!"

"Wait!" Britty threw the rock as hard as he could at the window, shattering it to pieces.

"See? No harm done whatsoever! Now to open the door." He didn't have his cane with him, but he was able to substitute with a fallen branch. "I'll simply thread it through the window, and…" Moving it carefully, he pushed the handle down, opening the door. "Voila! A simple solution, really."

"But…my window…"

"Fear not, it will repair itself eventually. I thought you knew that."

"Uh, well, bye!" Flaky walked inside, and Britty turned around to leave, still holding the branch. Before he could get far however, though, Flaky screamed, since she accidentally stepped on some of the glass, even though she was careful to avoid it. Hearing the sudden noise, Britty turned around, striking her in the head with the stick he was still holding. She fell to the ground, not moving.

"Flaky? Are you okay?" Alas, she was not. She had fallen right upon a particularly large shard of glass, as evidenced by the pool of blood forming underneath her.

"Gah!" Britty cried. He dropped the stick and ran away, hoping nobody would notice this accidental homicide of his.

()()()

Later on, after regaining his strength, Frenchy was searching for somebody else to "help". Eventually, he came across Cuddles, who was having difficulty starting a lawnmower.

"Hey, Cuddles, need help with that?"

"Oh, hey, Frenchy! Yeah, I can't get this lawnmower started."

"Well, I'll take a look at it." Frenchy walked over, and started assessing the situation.

"I can't tell what's wrong with it."

"Neither can I!"

Then, Frenchy got an idea. A terrible, stupid, awful idea. "Maybe something is stuck in the blade?"

"Hey, yeah, I didn't think of that!"

"All right, I'll just check underneath…" He walked to the handle, and pushed it to the ground revealing the blade, he walked back around, and immediately caught sight of a large rock that was preventing the blade from spinning. "Here's the problem! There's a rock stuck in the blade."

"Oh! Duh. Man, I can't believe I didn't figure that out."

Frenchy tried to pull it out, but it wouldn't budge. "I can't get this out, could you help me?"

"Oh, yeah, sure." Cuddles got next to him, and started to pull on it. Alas, they were not aware of one fact. The engine was turned on, but since the blade wasn't working properly, it wasn't making any noise. Once they got the rock out, the blade would start spinning, and both of them would be turned to mulch. And lo, it was starting to budge. "Almost got it," Said Frenchy. "Ha ha!" He had just gotten out the rock, but, as I said before, since the engine was running, they were almost immediately turned into mulch. However, there was another detail that Frenchy wasn't aware of. This specific lawnmower was automatic, so when the blockage was cleared, the engine started moving the wheels, pushing the mower forward, ever so slowly. In fact it was moving so slowly, everybody was able to safely get out of the way, except one: Cro-Marmot. He was waiting by a bus stop, just minding his own business, when the lawnmower managed to hit him. Since he was frozen in a block of ice, he was unable to do anything, and was pushed into the middle of the road.

And what should happen but a tanker truck running into him? Indeed, a tanker truck did run into him, and he was shattered to pieces. The driver, in a moment of panic, swiveled around, heading directly towards a particular house…

()()()

_Just a few minutes earlier…_

"Well, that was rather disastrous." Thought Britty to himself. "Perhaps I could do better with the next person?" And, lo and behold, another person came along, wanting some help. It was, in fact, Pop.

"Hey! Britty!"

Britty turned around, interested in Pop's query. "Yes?"

"Could you help me? I can't get my fireplace started."

"Why, certainly! Where is it?"

"Here, I'll show you." Both of them walked to Pop's house, Britty following Pop's lead. It turned out they were very close, only about a thirty second's walk. Pop opened the door, and they walked inside. It just so happened that the fireplace was right in front of the door, and thus, Britty needed no explanation.

"All right, then!" He said, with fake enthusiasm. "Let's take a look at it."

"Well, actually, the problem isn't the fireplace, it's the matches."

"How so?"

"They go out before I can light the wood."

"Well, I'll give it a go, then!" He picked up the matchbox, which Pop had set on a table, and pulled one out. He attempted to strike the match, and it worked, but surprise, surprise, it went out before he could do anything. "Well, that's strange. There doesn't seem to be a draft." He tried again, but as before, it blew out. "Okay, once more." Pop could tell he was starting to get edgy, and stepped away from him. Britty was about to strike the match, but got an idea. He got much closer to the fireplace, and struck the match there, and this time, he was able to light the wood before the match burned out. "Ha! A relatively simple matter."

"Hey, thanks."

"No trouble at all!"

Just as they were about to shake hands, they heard a screeching sound. They looked outside, and saw a large tanker truck, filled to the brim with gasoline, heading towards the house.

"Oh, bollocks." Britty said. They both tried to run away, but it was already too late. The truck collided with the house, and upon contact, the tank burst, spreading highly combustible gasoline everywhere. Oh, wait, Britty lit a fire, didn't he? Predictably, the gasoline met with the fire, and BOOM. The entire house went up in a massive explosion, completely destroying it. However, Britty, rather than being destroyed, was propelled towards a very, very specific location: the front of the post office. By the time he hit the ground, he had died of his burn wounds, and was almost unrecognizable as Britty. Just minutes later, the lawnmower filled with mulched Frenchy joined the charred corpse, and then ran out of gas. Oddly enough, it was actually about an hour away from when they had intended to meet back up.

Moral:

No good deed goes unrewarded!

()()()

Well, there was Frenchy's first death. Also, a note to all of my readers in the UK and France: I desperately hope that Britty and Frenchy's clothing and mannerisms don't offend you. If they do, I'm terribly sorry, but you have to understand I don't mean them as a direct attack towards your people, just as a joke. Oh, yeah, and Microsoft Word doesn't think that unrewarded is a word. And now, the next update on the Flaky/Latias thing! I'm really starting to like this pairing. There's just something about it that's…cute. I don't know what, it just is. AwkwardVulpix, over and out!


	5. Episode Five: Saw La Vie

Happy Tree Friends Season 1, Episode 5

Saw La Vie

Starring:

Toothy

Featuring:

Taily

Nutty

Petunia

Cuddles

Flaky

()()()

Yep, it's a parody of Saw. I don't know what I was thinking, just read.

()()()

In the Happy Tree Forest, there is a particular location that has a very interesting anomaly. Obviously, when somebody dies, they quickly wake up in the hospital, none worse for the wear. In this particular location, though, once you're dead, you're dead. Yes, you guessed it; it's the Tiger General's old base. And wouldn't you know it, somebody inside the base was just waking up.

"Huh?" he asked. It was, in fact, Toothy, everybody's favorite purple beaver. "Where the Hell am I?" He attempted to move, but he was shackled to chair.

On the wall, a small video screen turned on. And yes, it was Billy the puppet. "Hello, Toothy. I'd like to play a little game." The voice was very deep, and the screen was flickery and old.

"What the…Oh, I get it. Yeah, real funny prank, guys."

"I assure you, Toothy, this is no joke. For years, your incompetence has caused others nothing but pain and suffering. Now, it's time somebody returns the favor. Currently in the building are five people you know, and have 'helped' in the past. If you want to see them again, you'll have to sacrifice your body to save their lives."

"What? No, no, no! You can't be serious!"

"I'm afraid that I am. Oh, and one more thing. Currently attached to your neck is a shackle, that I've designed myself. Unless you get to the end within the next hour, it will inject a deadly poison directly into your bloodstream. There is no cure and it will kill you in seconds. Good luck."

When the transmission was complete, the shackles on Toothy's chair unhooked, and he was free to go. "Oh my God, oh my God…this can't be happening." He shook his head. "No, no, wait! There are innocent people in here!" He bucked up, and walked through the first door.

()()()

What's Saw without the traps? Nothing, that's what. So, naturally, this Jigsaw impersonator had designed several of his own creation. The first contained Taily, and Toothy couldn't figure it out at all. It appeared that a knife was hanging directly in front of her face, but it wasn't attached to any machinery, and over to the left was a bellows. Next to the bellows was a large cylinder, containing a large red button. A video screen was located right next to it, and it turned on with a prerecorded message.

"Hello again, Toothy. If you're seeing this, you've decided to save your friends lives. Congratulations. If you're confused as to how this trap works, I'll explain. Thanks to your stupidity, whenever Taily hears whistling, she attempts to commit suicide. So, I've decided to use this against you. Do you see that bellows? When you opened that door, it activated a timer." Toothy looked up and for the first time noticed a digital countdown. It currently said 1:00:00.

"By now, you only have one minute left. When that countdown reaches zero, the whistle will blow, which will force Taily to kill herself any way she can. And in this case, the only option she has is that knife in front of her face. Pressing that red button will deactivate the mechanism, but will also crush your hand. Good luck." The screen turned off, and the countdown only had forty seconds left.

"Oh shit, oh shit." Toothy immediately thought he could destroy the knife, and started pulling at it. Unfortunately, he wasn't strong enough, and he wasted about ten seconds trying to destroy it. Toothy realized that the button was the only option he had, and walked over to it. Warily, he brought his hand to it, and pressed it. Almost immediately, the ceiling of the small hole fell downwards, crushing Toothy's hand completely. In fact, the pneumatic force was so powerful it actually sliced his hand off completely. For a moment, he couldn't feel anything, but this didn't last long. The horrible pain burst up his arm, and he screamed, loud enough to wake up Taily. Since she had been drugged, she was a bit woozy, and was confused about her surroundings.

"Huh? Where…where am I?" She was so dazed that she didn't even care that somebody was running around screaming, blood gushing from his arm. However, Fake Jigsaw was nice enough to supply Toothy with gauze, so he wouldn't bleed to death. He calmed down enough to wrap the gauze around his wound, and started leaving. Before he opened the door to leave, he turned back, and said, "Hang in there, Taily. Help's on the way."

()()()

The next trap involved Cuddles. He was hanging by his arms over a vat of some clear liquid, and there was another button on the wall, with a spike attached to it. This time, the video screen was located over the vat, and seemed a bit larger. It turned on, and started playing another prerecorded message.

"Hello, Toothy. As you can see, Cuddles is hanging rather precariously over this vat. Let me explain. Every five seconds, he'll be lowered more and more into this vat, which contains a special liquid, that destroys a particular type of adhesive. I have used this adhesive to cover up a very large incision that I've made on his torso. Once he gets dipped into the vat completely, his organs will fall out, and he will die due to the exposure. This time, you'll have to push on that spike to empty the vat and save him. You really should hurry."

By this time, Cuddles had been lowered quite a bit, and Toothy only had about thirty seconds to push the spike. However, he got an idea of how he could press the spike and not get hurt. The floor was old, and several tiles were loose. You probably see where this is going, and if you don't, I'm afraid for you. Anyway, Toothy picked up a loose tile, which was lighter than it looked, and lifted it to the spike. Pressing slowly, as not to break it on accident, he eventually pressed it all the way, and the vat started to empty, saving Cuddles.

()()()

What Toothy didn't realize was that Fake Jigsaw had been watching him this whole time with a well-hidden camera.

"Hm. I just might have to count that as cheating." He thought to himself. "He's more clever than I thought."

()()()

Next up was Nutty. He seemed to be tied to an operating table, and a large metal bar was stuck inside his mouth. On the side of the mechanism was a lawnmower ripcord.

Of course, there was also a video screen, which had just now turned on. "Hello, Toothy. You're probably wondering how this works. It's quite simple, really. Since your stupidity ruined Nutty's mouth, I've decided to finish the job. In thirty seconds, that bar will move upwards and tear open his head. The only way to stop it will be to pull on that ripcord with your teeth. I've rigged it so that if you move it with your hands, you will be electrocuted and killed. However, I've also rigged it so that when you deactivate the mechanism, the ripcord will pull back with such force that your teeth will be ripped out of your mouth. Good luck."

This time, Toothy wouldn't be able to do anything clever; Fake Jigsaw had made sure of that. He was extremely wary this time, since the ripcord would tear out his buckteeth, and that would undoubtedly be extremely painful.

"Okay, Toothy, you can do this." He took a deep breath, and put his oversized teeth onto the ripcord. He started pulling, ever so slowly, but it slipped out at the last second. "Damn it!" He tried once more, but again, it slipped out. He tried a third time, but he ran out of time before he could get it. The metal bar moved up at incredibly high speed, ripping off the top half of Nutty's head.

"Nutty!" Toothy yelled. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God…he's dead."

The video screen turned on again. "I'm sorry, Toothy. You've lost this game. But Nutty was just one of five. You still have a chance."

Toothy was in shock, having seen Nutty's permanent death, but continued on, hoping he could at least save whoever was next.

()()()

In the next room was Petunia, bound and gagged to a metal chair in a large, clear glass box with a giant ladder. Several pipes were running into the room, and the screen was on the left wall.

"Hello again, Toothy. I'd just like to say congratulations on making it this far. What you see before you is a glass box that will momentarily start to fill with water, your greatest fear. You'll have to climb inside, untie her, and carry her out. If I gave her the correct dosage, she should be waking up right about…now." The instant he finished the sentence, Petunia woke up, and the room began filling with water. Toothy immediately started having flashbacks to the time he jumped in a lake, and drowned when he got tangled in barbed wire. Even though death was a certainty in this town, he was never able to get over the trauma of that particular incident. He's hated water ever since. He was frozen with fear, but he heard Petunia yelling at him through the cloth around her mouth.

"Oh, shit." Toothy whispered. He started climbing the ladder with extreme difficulty, and the water was now up to Petunia's neck. She screamed a muffled "Help me!" and Toothy jumped in the water. It had raised up to Petunia's mouth, and she was having difficulty breathing. Toothy swam over to the rope keeping her attached to the chair, and saw that the knot was extremely complicated. Since the knot was so low, he had to get underwater, and he started to untie it with his teeth and one hand. However, he started to run out of air, and freaked out horribly, remembering that particular incident. He swam as fast as possible to the ladder, climbed out, and curled up into a fetal position. Petunia kept screaming at him, but this was a bad idea, since she just ran out of air faster. Not ten seconds later, she ran out of air completely. Petunia was dead, forever.

The screen came back on. "Tsk, tsk, Toothy. I really expected better of you. Oh, well. I suppose you can't save everybody. The next room will be the last. Good luck."

Toothy got to his feet, and looked at the tank. What would he tell everybody? That didn't matter yet, he thought. He ran out of the room, and continued on.

()()()

What he found in the next room was the most shocking of all: Flaky, tied to a chair. Thinking back, he couldn't remember a time that he ever hurt or killed Flaky. What was she doing here? Not only that, she didn't even seem to be hooked up to anything. He tore off the gag, and she started speaking.

"Hello, Toothy."

"Hi, Flaky. Listen, we need to get out of here…"

"I know."

"What?"

"Who do you think set all of this up?"

"What? Oh, no. You have got to be kidding me."

"Yep. It's me."

"What! How? But…what? Why?"

"Well, I'm not the only one that set this stuff up. I had some help."

"From who?"

"Say hello to my good friend, Cuddles."

He promptly walked out of the shadows, revealing himself. "Hi, you incompetent bastard."

"But…you were in one of the traps!"

"Guess what? That stuff was just water and there was no adhesive. Got you, didn't I?"

"Why didn't you get Lumpy? He's killed everybody!"

"We have our motives." Said Flaky.

"But why you?" Toothy demanded. "You're always so shy and timid!"

"So? Every time you try to do something, you screw it up. This wasn't any different. You let Nutty and Petunia die."

"But…but…"

"Sorry, Toothy. Game over."

The collar around his neck beeped, and the needle plunged into his neck, filling his veins with poison. Within seconds, he died.

Then he woke up.

"Huh?" He looked around. It was just his room, as normal. "Oh, it was just a dream."

He got out of bed, and walked to the door. He opened it, and…

"Game over!" Flaky yelled, before stabbing him in the chest.

He woke up again, this time warily looking at the door. "I don't think so." Then, he simply went back to sleep.

()()()

Moral

A dream is just a reflection of your thoughts

()()()

Well, there you have it. I still like Flaky/Latias, and nothing will ever change my mind. AwkwardVulpix, over and out.


	6. The Fast and the Furriest

Happy Tree Friends: The New Series: Episode 6

The Fast and the Furriest

Starring:

Britty

Frenchy

Cuddles

Flaky

Toothy

Featuring:

Lumpy

Pop

Cub

Taily

Lifty

Shifty

()()()

This title was actually an old suggestion from a writer called "07matt". He's gone now, and I don't know what happened (His account probably got suspended for breaking the site rules). Anyway, this is my shout-out to you. Wherever you are now, I hope you're doing well. Let's just pretend the "Short End of the Stick Flame Incident" never happened, all right?

()()()

Every year, Happy Tree Town hosts a car race across town. It's an old tradition, and to the winner would go fame and glory. Well, glory, at least. Everybody knew each other in this town. Did I mention the large trophy? Ah, yes, the famous trophy. Made of gold-painted silver, it was worth quite a pretty penny. However, this year, only five people would be participating, due to the high level of inherent danger.

As per the usual, the announcer was Lumpy. Reading from flash cards, he said, "This year in our glorious tradition, the winner will receive a silver trophy…wait a second, I got the cards in the wrong order." He shifted them into the correct order, and continued reading. "This year, blah, blah, blah, only five people will be participating. They are Britty, Frenchy, Cuddles, Flaky, and Toothy. As you know, the winner will receive a silver trophy, and a few weeks worth of glory."

Each of the participants was driving a specific car. Britty was making use of his vintage Rolls Royce Silver Cloud III, a fine car of British production. Frenchy was driving a Citroen 2CV, a strong-built, highly iconic French car. Flaky was driving in her VW Beetle, which wasn't much compared to a Citroen or a Rolls Royce, but was still well known. Cuddles and Toothy were just in generic vehicles, nothing really special.

"Racers," Shouted Lumpy, "Start your engines!" All five of them turned the key to their engines, turning them on. "Three…Two… uh…" Lumpy leaned towards the audience. "What's next? Wait, never mind, I just remembered." He turned back towards the starting line. "Three…Two…Seven!"

Everybody in the crowd promptly facepalmed. Some anonymous person yelled, "It's _one_, you idiot!"

"Huh?" He turned back to the audience, but by the time he did, the five cars had already left. "What the…oh, God damn it, that's the fifth time that happened!"

()()()

Since there are several different participants, I'll just focus on one at a time. Soon after starting, they all separated to different roads, trying to find the quickest route to the finish line. Two of them, however, ended up on the same road: Britty and Frenchy. Since French cars have the steering wheel on the left, and British cars have them on the right, they were able to converse freely. They rolled down the windows.

"Nice day to lose, eh, Frenchy?" Britty teased.

"You'd know!" Frenchy retaliated.

"Oh, please, you'll probably surrender to me before you cross the finish line!"

"Oh, that's it!" Frenchy veered hard to the left, pushing Britty's car onto the sidewalk, and forcing the sideview mirrors on each car into the other one.

"Oh, bad form!" Britty sped up, dragging along Frenchy's car. "Try this on for size!"

"Look out!"

"What?" Britty looked out of the windshield, and saw what Frenchy had seen: a mailbox.

"Bugger!" The car hit the mailbox, throwing it through the windshield and crushing Britty's head, leaving the top hat unharmed.

Since Britty was dead, his body fell to the left, sending both cars veering madly about, smashing up fences and bushes like nobody's business. After nearly hitting Taily, Frenchy gained back some semblance of control. He sighed in relief, but something particularly interesting happened. Due to the speed at which he was going, the Doppler Effect caused the sigh to come out as more of a whistle from Taily's vantage point, and we all know what happens when Taily hears whistling. Catching sight of a destroyed mailbox, she pulled off the flag, held it in front of her face, and plunged her head right into it. Causing instant, violent lacerations, she was dead before she hit the ground.

After a few minutes, Frenchy was comfortably able to continue driving; the Rolls Royce still attached to his car. "Dumb Brit." He thought to himself. "Nothing beats a Citroen."

He came up to a right turn. Now, wait a second. Since British cars have right-side steering wheels, that obviously means that Britty's car would have ended up on the left side. Left side, right turn, you do the math. Indeed, he took the turn, and indeed, the Rolls Royce detached itself, ripping off an entire side from the Citroen. The resulting shrapnel tore apart the tires, taking away control from Frenchy's grasp. He spun out, quickly heading for a lamppost. When they collided, the car erupted in a massive fireball, propelling Frenchy towards a stop sign. It sliced him in half, splattering blood and gore everywhere around the street. Upon collision with the ground, the friction was so great he was literally ground away, almost completely destroying him. When his corpse stopped moving, at least three quarters of it was completely erased, leaving a giant, bloody smear.

()()()

Unknown to everybody, however, Lifty and Shifty were trying to steal the coveted trophy. The location of it was top secret, and only known to a handful of officials. However, Lifty and Shifty wanted that trophy, and God damn it, they would find it. After much searching, they eventually discerned the location: only twenty yards from the finish line, in Lumpy's trailer.

"Wow, he's really an idiot, ain't he?" Asked Shifty.

"Yeah! Who hides a trophy in their house?"

"Apparently this dumbass!"

"Come on, get this into the truck." They climbed out of the basement, dragging the trophy with them. They had parked right behind his trailer, for more convenience. Quickly putting the trophy in the back of the van, they climbed into their seats and drove off.

()()()

While the trophy was being stolen, Toothy was just coming up to the same place Frenchy was, albeit from a different direction. The Rolls Royce had parked itself neatly by the sidewalk, the section of the Citroen lying right next to it. Shattered glass and pieces of metal were everywhere. Toothy didn't notice the debris and just drove right over it. Of course, all four of his tires popped, and he started to lose control.

"Holy shit!" he yelled, before hitting the brake. His car halted, pointed right in front of a particular house. Behind it, another car was spinning out, heading towards a small lake. Toothy leaned in to get a better view, but as he stood up, his foot came off the brake, and he rocketed forward, tearing through walls and sheetrock like they were nothing. Pop was standing in the backyard, staring at a bloody smear, and before he knew it, he was a bloody smear himself. Toothy crashed into a tree on the other side of the street, throwing him from the car. He hit the fence, and it cut him in half like a giant saw. At the end of the fence, a thin piece of skin held him in together, but it quickly broke, and his halves fell to the ground, splattering blood everywhere.

()()()

About five minutes before Toothy died, Cuddles was driving along similarly. However, the area he was driving in was where Taily had killed herself. "Damn, it's pretty hot today." He thought. He started to turn on the AC, but it wasn't working properly. "What the hell?" He leaned into it, trying to assess the problem, but he didn't notice two things: he was slowly veering to the left, and Taily's corpse.

"Okay…got it!" He had managed to get it working again, but his moment of triumph was short-lived. He ran over Taily's corpse, splattering organs and blood all over his drive axle. It got caught up, and he spun out completely, heading quickly towards Pop's house. The steering wheel was spinning rapidly, trying to keep up with the wheels of the car. Cuddles attempted to grab them, waiting for the right moment, and went for it. All that did was rip his arms clean from their sockets.

"AGH! OH MY GOD!" he screamed, bleeding away rapidly. Very quickly, he bled out completely, and fell to the steering wheel, grinding away his face. Remember Pop and Cub? Well, Cub was playing in his sandbox, Pop watching him from the comfort of his lawn chair. He looked away, grabbing a soda, and in that instant, the car smashed into Cub, reducing him to a bloody smear. Pop looked back up, shocked at this sudden turn of events, and was soon turned into a bloody smear himself. Hooray for alternate points of view!

()()()

Obviously, only one racer was left: Flaky. She could just see the finish line now, and was very sure she was going to win. "I-I'm going to do it! I'm going to win!" Alas, it wasn't to be. A van pulled up right in front of her, carrying the trophy. "Holy crap!" Flaky veered out of the way, striking the van anyway. The van veered out too, flinging the trophy out of the back.

"Crap!" Yelled Shifty. "The trophy! God damn it, give me the wheel, you dumb piece of shit!" He started grabbing for the wheel, pushing Lifty out of the way. "There!" He attempted to regain control, but it was no use. The van flipped over, crushing the roof, along with the two passengers.

Meanwhile, Flaky was having similar difficulties. She was screaming as loud as she could, heading for a small lake. In a last act of desperation, she unhooked her seatbelt, opened the door, and jumped out. She landed on her back, though, and her quills were pushed through her body, killing her.

()()()

_One hour later…_

"Fellow townsfolk," Lumpy spoke, "It would appear that all five participants in the race were killed, along with several innocent bystanders. Due to this turn of events, nobody will receive the trophy." He paused. "Again."

Moral:

Slow and steady wins the race!

()()()

Well, there you have it. Oh, that's right, I have a truth or dare fic up right now! So go submit your dares, and you'll see them soon! AwkwardVulpix, over and out.


	7. The Whole Nine Yards

Happy Tree Friends: The New Series

Episode Seven

The Whole Nine Yards

Starring:

Taily

Featuring:

Britty

Lumpy

Rufus

Lifty

Shifty

Frenchy

()()()

Long time no see, eh? I was working on another project, The Life and Times of Bradley Watson, which you can go read any time you wish. Anyway, the story.

()()()

It is common knowledge that a man in possession of love is always in want of…hold on, wrong opening.

In all my years at 221b Baker Street, never have I met a case as absolutely singular as…no, that's _still_ wrong!

Allow me to consult my notes. Ah, here it is!

()()()

It is common knowledge that a Baker Street in possession of the worst of times requires…wow, that's really wrong. I apologize.

()()()

The morning was just like any other in Happy Tree Town; the birds were singing, everybody was just waking up, and the roof of the supermarket had caved in, killing several innocents. As I have already said, an average morning. As per the average morning, Taily was already up, going through her routine, including, arguably, the most important aspect of it: grooming her tails. See, with nine tails to care for, she'd have to get up fairly early so she could actually get it right, instead of doing a slipshod job that didn't address the problem, also known as "The Obama Method". Yeah, there's a reason I don't do political humor. Anyway, the process takes some time, since it takes around five minutes to get each tail right. I'm not quite sure why she bothers, since she'll be eviscerated by the end of the day anyway, but I suppose if she wants to, that's none of my business.

After completing her routine, she went outside, breathing in the fresh morning air.

"Nice day out today, eh?" Asked Britty, going for his morning outing.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Your tails look exceptional today."

"Uh…thanks?"

"Say, while you're out, I'm going over to the park for a game of badminton. Care to join me?"

Taily was hesitant, as she was not very good at any sport, and preferred more mental activities, such as reading.

"Oh, come now, Taily, badminton isn't that difficult!" Britty chuckled. "Really, though, could you come with me? Everybody else blew me off, as you Americans say."

"Oh, okay."

"Wonderful! I'll get rackets for each of us."

()()()

As I said before, Taily didn't like sports at all, so she really didn't know how to hold a racquet. She was, in fact, holding it upside-down.

"No, Taily, that isn't how you hold a racquet," said a very exasperated Britty. "Turn it around in your hand." Taily did so. "There. Now, I'll serve, and all you have to do is hit it back to me, and then we hit it back and forth. Got it?"

"I think."

Britty threw the shuttlecock (don't laugh) into the air and hit it over to Taily's side. Taily swung the racquet towards the birdie and…let go of it, allowing the shuttlecock to hit her in the nose, distracting her. Meanwhile, the racquet, having been thrown towards Britty, impaled him in the gut. He grabbed it, and, in his final moments, yelled, "Blimey!"

Meanwhile, Taily, having been whacked in the nose with a sports implement, had stumbled backwards, stepping on a birdie container.

"Crap!" She shouted, moving her legs back and forth, desperate to not fall. Knowing her luck, she'd fall on some sort of tack somebody conveniently dropped. However, nobody had dropped any tacks recently, and she soon found she was able to keep her balance, though she couldn't stop herself from going backwards…towards a wood chipper that Rufus was handling. You can see where this is going. She looked backwards, hearing the sound of logs being chopped into tiny pieces.

"Oh, crap!" She screamed. Rufus didn't hear her, because he was annihilating his eardrums with crappy metal bands.

"Rufus! Turn the thing off!" She shouted, to no avail. She turned away her tails, trying to prevent herself from being sucked in the spinning blades of doom. Tragically, she let one tail slip through. The tip caught in the blades, and in a surprising twist, literally ripped the tail from its socket. Taily screamed, while the tail jammed up the machine, making it pour out black smoke. Finally, Rufus noticed what was happening.

"What the hell?" He pulled out his earphones and began examining the machine. He very quickly noticed something else: Taily.

"Oh, God…Taily? Are you all right?"

Taily groaned and got to her feet. "I think, but I can't feel one of my tails…oh no." She began counting them. "Six…seven…eight." The ninth was missing. "M-my tail…it's gone!"

"So?" Rufus cracked. "You've got eight left." He began laughing, but Taily didn't utter a thing. Rufus ceased his chuckling.

"I guess I'll just," Taily took a deep breath, "Continue with my life."

()()()

And continue with her life she did. Her current job was actually not too far away: her job was to make sure nobody in the park did anything wrong. Obviously, people didn't really ever bother to do anything, so she idled her time by reading Sherlock Holmes stories.

"Oh, Lestrade," She chuckled to herself, "You old fool." I'm not exactly sure which story she was reading, but it obviously involved Lestrade being an incompetent jackass. Lestrade being Lestrade, in other words.

Taily, deep into her story, was rudely interrupted by Lumpy's cries for help.

"Taily! Taily!" he screamed, too stupid to figure out the problem on his own.

"What is it, Lumpy?" Asked Taily politely.

"My golf cart ain't moving."

"Oh. I think you'd want Sniffles for something like that."

"But he ain't here right now? Could you look at it? Please?"

"Oh, fine." Taily put in a bookmark and got up, walking with Lumpy towards the golf cart.

"I just can't figure what's wrong with it!" Lumpy complained.

"I can imagine." Taily was not thinking highly of Lumpy at the moment, considering the blatantly obvious nine-iron stuck in the wheel.

"Could you try to fix it?" Lumpy asked.

Taily was growing increasingly impatient, and decided to mess with Lumpy a little bit.

"It's probably something wrong with the engine," She lied. "I'd better check it out. She went around to the front of the golf cart, where the engine was. She opened the hood, revealing that the engine was in perfect working order. However, Taily, as previously stated, wanted to mess with Lumpy a bit, and claimed it was in dire need of heavy repairs.

"Ah, crap!" Lumpy cried. "Guess I've got to fix it. Could you hand me that nine-iron stuck in the wheel?"

This was just enough to completely infuriate Taily to the point of temporary insanity.

"You stupid jackass! The nine-iron _is_ the problem! What the hell is wrong with you! Were you dropped off a freaking cliff when you were little? Were you _born_ off a cliff? Is that it? Is that why you're _retarded?_"

Lumpy paused to consider her rant. "That hurt me, Taily," he said, putting his hand on his heart, "Right here."

"Oh, go die in a fire, you stupid piece of crap."

Lumpy recoiled in shock.

"Fine, I'll fix it myself!" He yelled.

Grumbling he got to work. Initially, he could see nothing, so he went with his "Redneck sense" and punched it. Unfortunately, the part he punched was, in fact, the battery. The wires became dislodged, and quickly electrocuted Lumpy. He was killed very quickly, but the electricity continued to stimulate his nerves, making him flail about. After about five seconds, the golf cart blew up, due to the resistance of Lumpy's body. Taily wasn't expecting this, and dived to the ground. Three pieces of unidentifiable shrapnel, straight from the golf cart, went towards Taily's, um, tails, and sliced off another three.

Immediately, she felt the sharp, brutal pain. She screamed.

()()()

Later…

"Finally, I'm home."

Taily had decided to go home early, seeing as she was now bereft of four of her tails.

Hastily, she opened the door. In her haste, though, she didn't move completely away from the door when she closed it, and one of her tails got stuck. She yelled a very rude series of words, which caught the attention of Rufus, just passing by. He quickly ran for the door.

"Taily?" He asked warily.

Taily answered with a groan.

"Do you need help?"

"Yes." Taily did need quite a bit of help. "Could you _slowly and carefully_ open the door?"

"Okay." Rufus gripped the doorknob, and turned it. Slowly, he pulled away the door…revealing that the tail had actually been sliced off by the door, rather than just crushed. It unceremoniously fell to the floor.

Taily began a long series of offensive words. Rufus, worried for his life, ran away, into the street…and was smashed to pieces by an eighteen-wheeler.

"Come on!" Taily yelled, hearing the gory sounds.

()()()

When she went inside, and after she bandaged her five wounds, Taily turned on some Beethoven and continued reading Sherlock Holmes. By now, Holmes had more or less figured out who had killed whom, or who had stolen what from some rich guy.

"Yeah, it really is obvious, isn't it, Sherlock?"

She heard a creaking noise behind her. She checked behind the couch, but saw nothing. This was because the noise was not simply just behind her, but behind and upward. The cheap construction of the ceiling was not enough to hold up her fan, and it began to fall away, causing a much louder creaking. Taily checked behind the couch again, and was nearly decapitated by the falling device. She shrieked, and fell off the back of the couch, onto the apparatus. She groaned, and got up.

Thankfully, she still had four tails left. However, the gap caused by the ceiling fan removal caused a structural imbalance. Several unsettlingly large cracks began to appear, and Taily, quickly figuring out what was happening, ran for the door. In moments, the house collapsed, just as she leaped clear of the destruction. A stray window fell upon Taily, slicing her back…and three more of her tails. When she got up, she already knew what had transpired. Her house was destroyed, and she was left with only one tail. She curled up on the ground and started crying. This was certainly not Taily's best day. Sadly, it was about to get worse. Lifty and Shifty had robbed a convenience store, and Frenchy the cop was chasing after them, blowing his whistle. When he got within Taily's hearing range…boom. She got set off, and started looking for the most efficient way to kill herself.

Her quest was quickly resolved. A car, driven by an unknown assailant, was just coming down the road. She walked into the road, lied down, and waited for impact.

After the car smashed into her (and killed Frenchy) she was reduced to a bloody pulp. However, her final tail was still intact. The iris closed in on it, and the bouncy music started up.

()()()

Moral:

A Stitch in Time Saves Nine!

()()()

Sorry again, folks. This is the last chapter I'll be doing for a while. But after Christmas break, you can expect something new. What will it involve? Here's a hint: it's the inspiration for one of the newest BBC miniseries, and he is one of the most well known characters in fiction. Until then, AwkwardVulpix, over and out.


End file.
